I want to be brave

Maybe this will be a big generalization, but I have the feeling that people are not saying what they want, they are afraid to be honest with themselves and other people, they are just hiding a lot of things, if they don’t fit to the general “rules”. Besides there are a lot of “forbidden” topics that they are never talk about. And I have the feeling I am as well like this to some extend.

Few days ago I was talking on skype with a good friend of mine. Something has happened and I felt weird about it, I didn’t plan to share it with anyone, but it happened that we started talking as well about this situation. It helped. We both realized that it is good to talk with other people openly, honestly and without judging.

There are a lot of situation like this, that speaking up really helps. For example:

a) In your friends circle – it is never so perfect that people always feels comfortable with each other. Even your best friend might be hurting you (or u hurting your best friend) without realizing it. How much easier would be solve this in the very beginning then wait and wait and let your problems grow

b) In flirting – how easy it would be to tell someone you like about it instead of playing games of getting each other lasting sometimes few years, or what’s worse doing nothing. It seems so simple to go to someone and say – I like you, maybe we can go out sometimes, but in the reality it isn’t;

c) In the relationship – well I am not a specialist from that but there are very often questions unasked, and usually those questions are not even asked directly, like where is it going, or what do we like, what do we want etc. But I guess one of the most difficult thing is to talk about feelings. You can be with someone and still feel very insecure, you want to say what you feel to this second person and you can’t, you want to hear that the second person feels about you, but you can only guess…

d) In the professional life – in this case there might be a lot of situation that speaking up is useful like getting with the initiative to make a project, applying for the higher position, talking to your boss about salary raise, of even while looking for a job, instead of sending CV just to go to your favorite place and sell yourself. Say what you want, knowing as well what are u capable of.

These is one more category, that I have no idea how to call, maybe just life – there are a lot of topics that people are not talking at all, those you think embarrassing things can become normal. I have this friend of mine, with whom we talked about a lot of different things like typical stuff – guys, relationships, drinking, feelings and a lot of our experiences concerning that stuff. Finally I realized that all those things I thought are not normal aren’t. I started feeling more secure, more comfortable. The problem is that usually people are lying, are pretending and describing themselves as someone totally different. They are creating the untruth image, and thanks to that unrealistic standards of behavior that people wants to follow but are unreachable.

I want to become this honest and brave person, who can independently decide about her life, and not follow the others, not being scared to get what I want, to talk about my feeling, to break the rule of following usually fake social rules. I want to be brave, but I am even hiding this blog. I guess no one is reading it… so this is my honesty for today!

the name of my blog

I simply dont like the name of my blog. Well the subtitle - memories from the world is still quite ok, but I don't like the address - traveling-aga!!!!!! That is so boring...

I know that noone is reading it, or almost noone. I know that this is mostly for me to catch up with myself, and write few texts to come back to it later. And especially because it is only for me, I want to have it perfect, interesting, cool.

I want to have the name with more metaphorical meaning, I have seen so many cool names, why I cannot get creative and change it?

Globalization – hate it, but cannot live without!

Normal people has problems with school, work, friends or I don’t know – that the pet is hungry and they have to go back home and feed it. I am not normal – I have a lot of strange thought going on in my head, which I guess are not typical for the “standard” young person. In my head is globalization, but I don’t like this word so much (it’s kind of scary), so I will replace it in this text with something else – maybe “green”!

I am wondering how much green influenced my own, very private life, and how my life would look like without it. Right now I can easly say that I am a global citizen (of course thanks to green). And I don’t think so because of some higher ideas, no! There is a lot of proofs from my daily life, being global citizen it is not a choice or something what I wanted. It just happened! I am waking up in the morning and opening my computer and checking e-mail. There is always a lot of them, because I am “living in a few different time zones”. Then I go to school or to the office, listen to some Arabic music (recently mainly Amr Diab, but as well a bit of Spanish), when I am bored in a bus I text some of my friends (and believe me not those from Poland). My job (what is not really a job, but what I am doing right now) is to contact filmmakers from all around the world and get their movies to my film festival. The second job is to write youth project, of course international one, or help my friends and partners white them, and many other stuff… My school – well I have right now only online classes with “classmates” from Czech Republic, Germany and UK, but originally from Pakistan, Russia, Belarus, Slovakia, South Africa, Croatia and maybe something more.

I realized that there is something wrong with me during new years eve. At first I was trying to follow each hour in which time zone people are celebrating now, secondly I was texting with my friends from four different continents and I guess I was enjoying it more then the party (well I had already a drinking party via skype!)

I have to admit – green conquered my life. There are basically no limitations. The communication via phone became very cheap, especially within Europe, but there is as well skype for free. The transportation is rather cheap as well, you have friends everywhere that they can host u, if not u can find some via different portals. Besides there are still different projects that let you (or sometimes u just have to) go around the world. Culture differences are not a problem anymore, at least not for me, I feel already the same everywhere (and for sure I don’t feel that Poland is my home). I guess there is only one limitation for green – visas (but it’s totally other topic).

Yes, it was nice to travel, make new friends, experience new cultures etc. But it was nice few years ago. Right now my life is design by green and it doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. I don’t know what I really dislike in this. Maybe that I don’t have my place I can call home, maybe saying goodbye permanently or maybe that I simply cannot fit into the environment I suppose to live, into the environment of xenophobic Polish people and really interesting polish boyfriends :)

It bothers me that in this greened world I don’t really have my privacy and everyone knows everything. I have already limited access to my facebook for around 90% of my “friends”. I went through my online profile and deleted most of the stuff I have found about me (if it was possible to delete). But in this greened world somehow it happens that everyone knows everyone, people talk, gossip exchange information about the others. It might happen that you will do something and the next month some friends from the other part of the glob will know about it, through the strange chain of connections. On Monday I have to go to the airport, who knows what will happen… whom I will meet…